shit I'm really tired, and struggling. my blogging has become um more and more sporadic, and probably set to continue in this vein.

blogging is social exhibitionism, lol. so maybe I'm an exhibitionist, maybe you'd think I like airing my secrets in public, but no all my secrets are locked up somewhere, and the key to that lock doesn't exist. so what are you seeing here then? the face I show to the world, the face that people recognise and think they know.

but you know, sometimes maybe all I need is to spiral down a black hole and let my world disintegrate, if I can't even be sure of myself, then what possibly can I do?

ouchouchOWTCH I'm at home now, again with an out-of-shape and out-of-sorts left ankle. >:-< this is stupid la, I don't even know why it's swelling so badly, probably reaction to insect bite but it SUCKS not to be able to lead an active life.

going off to hospital later to dig out reason for this unknown swelling guh.

[edit]turns out it is something I share with england's numero uno leftback Ashley Cole. A wonderful inflamed ankle which will keep us out of action for 2-3 weeks! the only difference is he gets paid an enormous weekly wage to nurse his ankle and I don't. ): [/edit]

so goes term one - whizzing by in a patch of blur.
somehow I am sorry about not being fervently enthusiastic about everything, just that life isn't what it used to be anymore, it makes wise men wonder while strong men die.
emotionless precisely because of _ but I don't wonder or worry because I'm fine with it. after all, we do "acquire the strength we overcome".

let me just say - I INJURED MY ANKLE TODAY. while running for dear 315, somehow my ankle went boink and flattened into the ground. this is NOT a cause for celebration, contrary to public perception (if kellie tan can be called the "public" la). am waiting a few days to see if it can sort itself out, meanwhile I'm just resting and icing it. grr. I really resent the thought of having to hobble around like bai ka. and if I really have to, trust me I won't be hobbling around in a tragically heroic manner, or having my friends hop down after me on a staircase.

[edit] guh after icing it the swelling went down, so I insanely went to play soccer and guess what? the injury is now aggravated and my ankle is swollen. hooray! see, I rode a rough tackle and took a tumble on that very same ankle. so I may be indisposed for one week, maybe more. one week of not playing soccer? pah! [/edit]

nothing much to say, except that today was a fairly good day; even social studies and math is mildly entertaining. after sch, went with ang and abby k to tarbet house cupboard to uh, get some non-existent tarbet stuff? tsktsk tarbet logs, don't even know where your things are. bummed around the foyer for awhile before heading down to subway! >:( abby and I ended up running after an already-full 190, but behind that was a 105, so I guess our running wasn't that in vain.
bleh subway was quite, err. I guess "err" is the appropriate word to describe it, because currently my mood is swinging from annoyed to happy. quite surprising to see deborah there in the first place, and she went, in a so obviously NON-EXISTENT whisper, "eh look behind you!" guh I think I circled around and scanned the place at least three damn times before she helpfully came to my rescue and said, "directly behind you!" -.- won't elaborate, but arghh this is the umpteenth time I am trying to comprehend the very basis of misconceptions. and when _ was leaving, deborah helpfully announced that to me =S er, credit to her though for trying.
but gramophone makes me jubilant, I picked up milstein's tchaik/glazunov + dvd and spotted Szeryng's Bach there, but no cash left guh, so I skipped that for today.

now guess why I am blogging.

I don't know why no one believes when I say. I can't be bothered about that anymore; maybe because it's true, and truth is always undefinable, always about searching.
fine I was excited, whatever, but after that I realised, so what?

and the way you move with the violin, or just the way you combine sheepishness and vague friendliness into your grin, all that makes me so paralysed. and there never will be a close second, if only because you hear only what I hear, and you know that the second star to the left shines brightest of all. (:

my life (now) revolves around school, work, and more work.

on a semipermanent hiatus; unless I find something really imperative to blog about.

like the day my group got ragged by both chia pops and may tan, but it was (slightly) redeemed by three people. only, I got home so late that I didn't have that urge to blog anymore.

I lead a sad sod's life. and er, by choice.

today I came home after cny celebrations and played violin, slept, ate lunch and read, in that order. boringly dull, some would say. but on the other hand, I'm inherently glad that I have resisted the temptation to go out and buy more cds. (: i'm surprised at this week though, quitting something that I've been at for about a decade, and of course, having my thoughts being obfuscatingly twisted into a web of well, what even I don't know.

and discovering tons of things by the wayside. like my irrevently humorous seating group (: we were menaced by s kum during cle, but I bet it's only her personal opinion. during ss for example, everyone pays attention.

or maybe that's just an anomaly.

back from obs! fortunately (not!) I don't look like bao gong, and more of an albino instead, but I have been dead tired, sleeping approx twelve hours in four days. cuts, blisters and whatnot everywhere, coupled with sandfly bites >_> and kayaking in stormy weather was actually quite enjoyable, if you take away the freezing cold and water splatting directly into your eyes. on the plus side WE DON'T WORRY ABOUT HOMEWORK.

ENG SOON! :D and EAT UNTIL STUPID! and our BUS! and sleeping under the bashas with freezing rain splattering in from all sides >_> well we woke up at approx 0230 on the second night and sang songs, including raffles songs, under the tarp. barker which was camping nearby was ehheh quite irritated when we started belting out the school song in the middle of wilderness HAHA.

sigh I still have that sensation of bobbing on the sea in those orange kayaks and feeling the waves under me! (: sea ex was excitingENJOYABLE! haha was irritating people by needling them to go faster in the formation. being sweeper is fun! x) but kim chuan's briefings are SUPER boring, I know you all only listen to his briefings once or twice la, but pity us leh, we listen to his briefings every night and every morning. after sea ex was anticlimax ): we had to unpack and unload all that rubbish from the instructors' boats and haul it all the way up to the campsite. zoned out pretty much from then on and didn't sleep at all on thursday night because sandflies were irritating my bare feet like !@#!& and after that we had sentry duty watching boring boats being moored to the shore and making sure they didn't drift away. haha and Mario our instrucotr kept bullying me in a sense -_-

aiya basically ENG SOON watch rocks la. (; and today I sort of zonked to school for house practice, everyone told me I looked dead and tired. >_> eugh well at least I got to know most of my classmates better leh. not saying that right now I know them well, but well enough to get along.

going off to sleep soon, AGAIN. I've slept about 4-5 extra hours so far, still need maybe ten hours to balance things out haha x)

seasons to cycles, and you'll always be out of reach -
I'M NOT CLIMBING THE WALLS YOU BUILT.

see, the fallacies of friendship.

obs tomorrow, might just come back looking like bao gong. (don't know who he is, tsktsk must read more about chinese history!)

I'm still alive, sorry to disappoint.

back to the 'ol boiling stress pot tomorrow.

which means I'd have to start working, again (darn!), and not let my brain atrophy like it has been doing for the past two months.

you know, I absolutely abhor change. especially if it is unfathomable change.

on another note, it would be possible to flood my tagboard by typing meaningless, one-word messages.

I forecast that my 2005 reflections will be a solid, handwritten affair 5 pages long. however (this is a fortunately-however), none of it will be on this public space.

therefore before I continue being morose towards the delightful festivities for the New Year and the hangovers from Christmas, I just want to sneak in a quick summary of what I wish I could say, and express it plainly.

one day maybe, I will work up the courage to tell those whom I love, and ever loved (even in the friendship kind of way lah don't think otherwise!) exactly what they mean to me.

and yes, throughtout the course of this year, change has hopefuly been ... evident. this year has been very much one of turmoil. grappling with the idea of quitting. fighting off doubts about whatever. clinging onto my faith and trying to trust.

and of course, the alreadyalmost, who I now call my brother. not uh, biological brother, just another brother.

deliberately vague this has been, not revealing much about anything at all, but I like to keep it this way (:

To promote a value without having it yourself; or to be something you know you cannot be and will fail miserably at - tell me, which is the worse crime?

reading asimov is enjoyable, rather like taking a stroll through the woods. hm. he may not be much of a writer in the most poetic and linguistical sense of the word; but he is a master STORYTELLER. and that makes all the difference sometimes.

and here, I shall reply to tags, fearing (and the fear perhaps unjustified) a lack of space on my very-much-underused tagboard.
pooh: hello, I know this is a VERY belated reply, and y'know, I'm just dying to take the As. hm be careful of the pooh lying on your desk huh. -winknudge-
thePasserbys, whoever you are: uhh thanks, and I have this inkling that you are/were in twileven. hee.
dawn(!): =) after today's exco meeting, I realised how muchly the seniors will be missed too.
elizabeth: >_> HAHA and I do miss you SO MUCH too. of course, and we ARE going to see each other in two days' time.

hello, not really inclined to blog, but I just wanted to say thanks to (in random order): my family :))), denise koh, kellie, grace tang, annie, weiling, chloe, ANG :D , rachel, calyn, falqwin, nicole thio, qing and mun yi. err I know I left out some people and I give those people the license to bonk my head if they see me. oh YEAH i think I remembered a few more: ty, nate and z. er that's it for now, I don't think you'll see me for a long time yet, just don't feel the impetus to blog la.

uh really have nothing to blog about. no wait, actually I do but 1. I'm too lazy to type it out 2. it's a load of crap. so being the rational and sane person I appear to be, I shall deny this blog's viewership (which seems to number at maybe sbout five HAHA) the unfortunate pleasure of reading crap.

been addicted to this game called um, called KING KONG JUMP recently. something about jumping over pringles cans! I'm in the world's top 5000 for this game haha. don't laugh okay I managed a rather impossible score of uh 65 000. vegetating in front of the computer in total club manager has also been wasting my time keeping me gainfully occupied. haha david villa is cute yo! hang on, the smurfs are cuter! okay I know this entry is horribly random but I did really mean it when I said I had nothing to blog about.

papa smurf!!

haha DAVID VILLA IN ACTION ON THE LEFT. !! he scored for spain to earn a facesaving draw against slovenia um, last match.

goodbye then, mr very-randomified-post, I'm off to slack a bit more. and yeah sometimes I wish I thought about you less.

one week into the holidays, and it's fizzing by.
uh busy week - waddle house camp then yo then sleepover then strings.
whee and I discovered the joy of playing polar bear! especially that of having the hunters win =) arr sorry weiling, had to kill you la! too bad you were a polar bear heh.

I have come to the opinion that all _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ are _ _ _ _ _ who have mood swings and pfffft are crazy about things that don't really matter.

YES manchester united beat chelsea 1-0! REJOICE man utd fans REJOICE. I can't say we won the game by skill, but more by the hunger and desire of the players to win as well as the workrate and commitment of the players. especially those whom Keane criticised midweek, although bardsley and richardson were benched, I was quite impressed by Ferdinand Smith and Fletcher ( !!! :D ) and YAY this is the first time I've watched a match after midnight "legally" without having to wake up in the middle of the night and sneak downstairs.

er and i know i'm not the type of person to be very open, but I think bench 6 rocks! and of course n 'm' n + c too! ): I'll miss you guys next year and a few other people like qing and chloe and abi ho I guess.

if you see this, HAPPY BIRTHDAY GOR! (: sorry for not getting you a birthday present yet, it will be a belated one! erm went to get a haircut today. and my hair's now very short. >< but this isn't the point. when I came home, there were two strangers lounging about on the sofa and my brother was standing looking majorly uncomfortable wahaha. lol so weird. now should be the mugging period for j2s! and they spend their time visiting houses. o.O de-stress I guess.
to all j2s who happen to see this (I bet there's only one j2 who will see this lah), wish you the best for your A levels!

copied from kellie's blog because I cannot be bothered to retype:

pwesshus' cute cute cheer we sang at every goal:
that's the ways, uh-huhs uh-huhs,
i likes its, uh-huhs uh-huhs
that's the ways, uh-huhs uh-huhs,
i likes its!

darn it's stuck in my head. TWILEVEN LOVE! <3>like, totally rock as a class. waha after net carn we ran to the milo van and yam-senged in the middle of the road. I BACK ELEVEN (: so here the last road begins;

That sweet and sacred feeling you know
Will never last long
Every time you turn around you'll see
One more part of you, yes it's gone
I need your spirit darling
And lend me your helping hand, and I
I'll meet you in the morning
When I've broken up the band
lyrics of Up All Night by Razorlight