Morning dew on the field, where I met you
I was frozen a year, couldn't get through
Got a sign, not a scar, on my shoulder,
I am not quite the man you take me for...

every single thing I do and see and hear reminds me of you and you and you.
been trying to find my own voice. in everything. and somehow along the way I realised that I love being alone and just thinking.
people see me and ask if I'm alright, if I want to tell them anything, if I could just cheer up.
something in there is hopelessly wrong. becausebecause. it's just the way I am.
so falqwin you were right after all.

Will I learn how to be one of you someday?
Will I still feel the eyes that behold me.
Will I hear what you think, when you see me?
Will it tear me apart if you feel for me...

my determination is working. (refer to the 080505 entry) well, almost. if only you wouldn't walk by and let me see your expression changing quickly from hostility and perplexity into that almost-smile, to me, a stunningly brilliant smile. question here is I don't know why.

HCJC Concert: Inspirations 5

concertconcertconcertconcertCONCERT. (((((: hcjc string ensemble ROCKS. xDD the holberg prelude wasn't as bad as syf; I think they tried to improve on that standard - their interpretation is worlds apart from ours however. they copied the programme notes from the dec rjc/hcjc concert okay. hmph. the air was...WOW. the floating sound that ms ku has always tried to draw from us and the way they played air was...WOW. okay so my vocab is rather limited but consider the fact that I'm experiencing post-concert euphoria. they had an interesting take on the riguadon - Lijia plays her solo clear and sharp, more of the violist accompanying the violinist but the hcjc one was more of an interplay between david and ruilin.
I cringed through the quintet and the quartet. by the end of both, I felt ready to shoot the first violinist. why? well the intonation firstly. somehow it seems that either she and the cellist or she and the pianist/violist have clashing As. next, the group dynamics didn't exist. they were just playing their individual parts without listening to the rest and the group sound was very ... loose? can't find the appropriate word. haha also they were quite stiff on stage erm they weren't feeling their music except for a few people.
OCTET! mendelssohn octet rocks, especially the presto. it's stuck in my head now, replaying over and over again; drives me nuts but beautiful melody and interesting harmony: potent mix. x) the energy of the octet players was simply... unbelievable. the seamless transitions from section to section too. a fitting way to end off the first half; if only -. the quintet and quartet was very disappointing, far below the standard set by last year's batch hohoho. xP
intermission: talked alot of rubbish, went to toilet because of pearl several times, saw my brother and congratulated him on playing well for riguadon and octet.
four seasons was rather intriguing, this being the first time I have heard the whole thing at once. I think the most memorable one was the summer movement, again because of the incredible energy and enthusiasm you could feel emanating from the players. summer was rather forgettable and AUTUMN! yay david you did well. not super fantastic. but good enough. thought you could've driven it more though. but overall quite satisfying.
yeah encore was summer from four seasons >< so boring compared to last year's hcjc/rjc concert which mr tan was conducting and his encore was hilarious xD ah well I'm hyper! as expected.
and I want to hear your voice just once more!

syf was .. okay I guess. it's hard talking about it and I' m going to seal up that part of my life and hopefully never touch it again.
hah I just realised I sound very bitter and angry. I'm not I think.
blogging for me is a way of release.
To my bro; and my mates naomi abi h eileen huiyi calyn kellie - thanks :) for cheering me up.
miss teh's last lesson today which was quite sad because over the past two months I've grown more accustomed to her and needless to say, I think I'll be missing her ... kuan1 rong2? smth like that.
yeah and smth that I've longed for for the past week happened TWICE today. makes me slightly happier; because having an empty void for feelings and being numb to everything else scares me a bit.

happy easter =D
learning journeys week rocks. an extra week for slacking. sure beats elearning where we stone in front of the computer and slog our way through neverending piles of work. ne fieldtrip was umm *coughcough* [stares at abi ho] yeah it was OKAY. weird moments at battlebox:

Abi and I enter battlebox together. Guide has warned us of THE voice. As we step in THE voice starts booming and echoing rather noisily down the half-lit corridors. Abi clings on to my arm. slightly afterwards we hear screams coming from a room slightly to our left. imperceptibly the pressure on my arm increases and nervous laughs are heard coming from the group. I clear my throat and hope for a let-up in the pressure on my arm.
we enter a room.
the room where negotiations took place apparently. men are seated around the table.
me: are these real people or wax figurines? *sorta reminds me of "where's the flagpole" doesn't it?*
some enlightened people proceed to inform me that they ARE indeed wax figurines. a certain enlightened one points out that the bag slung over the chair of the soldier could have been fashionable in modern times; if only the strap were longer.
I convey my deepest sympathy to the bag.

rs workshop was plain boring. I spent half the time spacing out and the other half talking crap with my ex-rs grp calyn zhen er yikai and kellie. the tchr was this umm batty old lady. quotes kellie/calyn, can't remember who: "only her hair is redeemable lah" I agree. at the same time I would like to point out that her hair looks like a typical ah-soh's; that is, with rollers in it. we all agreed that her skirt was pulled up way too high and that her nose looked like michael jackson's. calyn would then tell me to keep quiet but she would mysteriously burst into laughter and talk on about acp and acp's links to spongebob.
well at least science centre provided a worthy digression from sch work. the movie rocks =) we attempted to chiong all our physics qns so we could get home earlier and part of our chionging worked bcos kellie's bro was a volunteer there.

hooray for upbeat posts; I shall blog when I'm in happier moods. which is not very often but ahh heck. oh yes respond to tags! I hate taking up valuable space on the tagboard hah I'm weird.
guesswho: uhhh I don't really need to guess who you are I know! =P lamer liddat also must tag.
ming: haha HOMER SIMPSON, Irony, Sarcasm and Fun LOL peace man!
nic: no comments =D
kevy: haha and your idea of less cheem is? I shall not degrade into someone who's a total bimbo thank you very much.
denise!: go set up a blog lar. =) solves your problems hehe.
litz: ahhhhhh rightttttttt. I'm supposed to believe a rather hmm contradictory person LOL.
hehh shall go off now I've been on for a long long time. a beautifully long and not cheem post. *looks at kevy*

it's going to be damn different without you. oh well. inexplicably I'll miss you. despite the fact that I've been labelled as one of the coldest and most unfeeling person that she knows. and when the rain starts to fall I'll think of you and running down the amphi; running from the canteen to block j with that box of drinks. and a host of other crazy things we've done like walking down the steps backwards and *grins* planting tree labels.
swim carn was...okay. I didn't feel as enthu as I should have but hahahahahaha. =) I could say a thousand things and invite a lot of poking/teasing/prying or I could say nothing and leave it be.
I think I'll choose the latter option.
march hols means one step closer to everything.
well yeah I read that; it stretches a long way back but I finally understood why. sometimes you fail to see the goodness of life and you lose your way. but it's okay; have hope. =)

sectionals today. all it did was confirm what I already knew: that I'm lousy. philo has started to get interesting; not because of the teacher but because of the topic I don't understand why people have double standards can't they see are they so ignorant? they say ignorance is bliss but I desperately want to strike a balance and keep the fire burning.

I want to be alone. not that I don't want to be with all of you; not that I don't cherish the friendships; not that I think friends aren't important or anything - it's just that with people, especially human beings who have emotions, things get doubly messed up. I realised I'm becoming more and more like Bean, can't help it but I guess it's because I subscribe to his school of thought. but I guess that's what makes life interesting.

oh well I am really just staring at the screen and wondering if I should say something; anything at all. if I really do say something I'm scared I'll embarass myself yet the agony of looking is killing me. this brings to mind memories of 111's drama nite play last year. "I know! I press first...then I jump!" in this case what? I talk first and then sign out immediately?

sometimes i wonder whether it's worth it. -confused-
it would be easier if i could just drop it all. if i could turn my back on it. if i could pretend i didn't care about it. if i could just pretend i'm a robot, with no emotions, life would be much easier.
but the beauty about being a human being is all about our emotions.
i could of course, walk away but in the end i think it's all about responsibility to a choice you've made. or something you've been entrusted to do.
i feel like a failure.

hehh. whoever who didn't see the prev entry too bad. poof and it has disappeared forever into the annals of umm. blogger history? anw i have decided to humour myself by blogging. okay partly bcos people are persuading to blog. although i don't get why i was supposed to be dead two weeks ago.
:) my first goal in fifa '05 is such a BEAUTIFUL goal. it was chelsea vs doncaster..a sure-win match for chelsea if not for the fact that i was playing world-class mode and that it was one of my first attempts to play fifa. anyway. someone fouled robben and the ref gave a freekick. my freekick hit the wall and a defender booted it out to somewhere near the halfway line where john terry was lurking. john terry beat the striker to the ball. andandandandand! he muscled the striker away, dribbled forward a little and with a fine touch of his left boot, transferred the ball to his right boot and swivelled to the left slightly and pushed away his marker. and then! he hit the ball, straight from about 5m from the halfway line. and it zipped past the heads of the defenders who were watching it. haha the expressions on their faces- priceless! they were like: omg is that really the ball? the goalkeeper was even better. he saw it too late and he was off his line. so he dived and at that exact moment the ball sailed over his head into goal. all this while my brother was telling me, "the ball won't go in." and it did! it's something my brother has certainly never done before and i have claimed bragging rights. heh. i just realised that i am rhapsodising way too much about a goal. =p
*grins* anw today i had quartet practice! i feel like such a failure after it. but i love quartet anyway. there's this sense of intimacy and warmth about the harmony between the instruments that you can never get when playing in an ensemble. sigh but i still feel like a failure. bcos all of my fellow players are so PRO. the cellist is assistant sl of hc strings, the violist is sl of rj strings, the first violinist..umm concertmaster of hc strings. [i guess you all know who it is] eurgh. i'm not supposed to be in such established company. if my brother had his way of course the concertmaster of rj strings would be doing first violin..but no, the person in charge had to ask for me. HAHAHA. it is not amusing i assure you. but the pieces are nice. and we all generally agree that canon is overrated and one of the worst pieces on earth. umm. we're playing bach's air on g string, canon *coughs*, suite and light! ohh how i love suite and light. esp thoroughly modern varnish. and the groovy strings thing. very rock and roll-ish. soap has a really nice melody too. heh and during the break when the person in charge was writing out viola score for another piece, for some reason they started playing rigaudon. :) my bro played solo and i was the one plucking the first violin part. okayy so all of them with the exception of me are PRO. very zai. this experience has got me hooked onto playing quartet again. the only other time i played with them was after their o's and my psle..which is umm. one year and a few mths ago? i love playing quartet okay so i think i have said that but trust me, those who have never played in a quartet before will never know the magic of doing so. QUARTET! ahahahah. my brother so lucky. got to form hcjc strings quartet. it's called mystique. oh and playing quartet helps one to nurture musicianship as well as bond with fellow quartet players! quartet also have a list of pieces that they can immediately select and play for functions...this is called shu2 lian4. and the camaraderie between the players is also very obvious. sighh.
falling in love with tchaik string quartet.

i'm slipping into my relaxed introspective mood again. and listening to all kinds of music encompassing classical, jazz and god knows what else.
music is a stress-reliever.
darnn. this mood is not doing me any favours. sighh. but right now i'm actually really thinking and reflecting about life.
heh. some parts today were funny. and we spent the entire friday out of our classroom. except for the morning of course.
calyn has invented the new acronym BAI, which stands for Busy And Important person. ahahax. some sec ones are trying to befriend the BAI people. and people who are BAI include the PITs, the prefects and *coughs* people like chloe. funny! BAI is my favourite word now. =)

class lunch yesterday at breeks. =) last day as 112'04. haha the lunch really showed alot of things. things which i shall not comment about here anyway. nicole found out about sheep 1 and sheep 2. sighs. was hoping to keep it private for a while. but never mind. i'm going to miss 112 but at the same time i don't think 211 would be very bad. haha i wonder what it is like to be in sec two lolx. sigh we'll be moving out of j block which is quite sad despite the fact that we have destroyed the grass near j block and the fact that j block's toilets suck. because jb is quite cute actually and it's the place where many things have happened last year. okay this is weird. the use of last year to refer to 2004.
still thinking about class lunch. i had the luck? not really, more like misfortune to sit next to wei ling who was crapping alot. quite funny. she and claire were trying to imitate the visa advert and slide the salt shaker down the five tables.
well. no more 112 stringers. sigh i'm going to try stop reminiscing about the year 2004 i wrote this whole private rant and posted it onto my other blog and it's really darn long.
happy new year to everyone. and have a nice time.

wow. concert was fantastic. programme- tchaikovsky string serenade op 48 in c major and grieg's holberg. i arrived there darn early and the doors werent open yet. hmm so i slacked outside for awhile and saw wayyyyy alot of people. despite the fact that this concert was supposed to be rather low profile. yeah *grins* i realised i was smiling in a rather idiotic manner after... (well. if you really want to you could ask me for clarification) i do think that some people do know what i'm talking about. *grins again*
first piece was holberg. i do definitely think that if we continue the way we were playing this morning and hopefully improve a bit more we might be able to play to that sort of standard. it wasn't very great but it sounded neater than what we're currently playing and brighter. and i should really take a few pointers from my bro about playing the piece.
sarabande was organised, efficient and very warm as expected. hmm....the cellos were a bit out of tune however so i must admit that our three cellists had done a fantastic job for our concert! XD i think the cello solo for our concert sounded nicer anyway. for gavotte. hmm. okay. somehow they lacked that energy. maybe it's just me. but it does sound a bit dead, a bit lacking in soul. air...no comments. =p rigaudon! uh. i never thought i'd be saying this. but here goes. i think lijia is a great sectional leader. when compared to the rj+hcjc combined strings concertmaster. there.
tchaikovsky. haha. good choice of concertmaster. X) erm. first movt sounded tidy and quite well-rounded. the core of the piece sounded good. second movt. uhm. *starts to say something but decides not to* well-phrased. third and fourth movt. errr. really no comments. but haha. encore was really funny. quite hard to explain why here. but he sort of reversed the dynamics and tinkered with the piece so it sounded oddly there. uhm. i don't really know what I'm talking about but anyway i'm on a high right now. =D know why? haha. i think i know why but i'm not going to say. haha. =D
<3 great concert!

a recent roll of events.

my long-awaited debut entry. it’s going to be uber long, considering the number of events that have happened recently. so pardon me for my rambling.
my skin has probably grown “five shades darker” =p sounds familiar right? yupz I quoted it from 112’s drama nite play. It’s really a damn shame that 112 is going to be split up. fuck the bloody school admin. fuck whoever who thought up of that ADVANCED STRAND thing. that person deserves to rot in hell. seriously. well. pp can change their minds. i'm hoping like crazy that the sch admin will. 112 is a fantastic class; okay i know we don't have alot of class spirit and we're kind of losers in a way, but still it's hard to separate from pp you've seen and known for the past year. I just feel that each and every twelver should treasure the time we have left, enjoy each other’s presence and put aside all quarrels we’ve had in the past. without any of us, it feels different. everyone has a place in the class, and makes the class the way it is. Well, since we’ll be split up soon, here goes my personal comments on every twelver (kudos to rach and kellie-I borrowed this idea from you two) :
Alyssa- funny and great to be around with. entertains the class. (rmbr the song about apples that drove me mad? The one Alyssa, Zhen Er and Sandra sang continuously on the day when the french and jap third lang exams were held.)
Qing Yu- gives very amusing remarks. And is a extremely responsible history rep.
Chermaine- kind of dead-pan funny. cle rep. *at this point iccs memories rush back into my mind*
Chloe- very zai runner. what would you expect from a tracker? very friendly too. And has a very strong Christian faith, something I admire her for.
Claire- our dearest GA. Also a bballer. very humourous in her lameness.
Dawn- class treasurer. will miss the days of having her hounding us for one dollar class fund money.
Kai Yin- zai at science. Like a walking scientific encyclopaedia. And she has come up with some of the weirdest but funniest remarks in existence.
Kim- uhm. she’s a pro lah. At studies. Looks like a quiet intellectual but looks can be deceiving. =D
Denise Koh- fellow Stringer! Haha. hardworking. And chao pro at taking down notes.
Zheng Ning- always smiley. Has a lot of spunk.
Rachel- Stringer as well! And a dustbin. *rolls eyes* great in geog. Very amusing to be around with. her gollumness is extremely entertaining. So is salad fingers.
Shuangwei- very fun to be dao to. once in chem she stole me and weiling’s filter paper! Evil. quoting weiling, “your good friend lah!” lol.
Zhen Er- fellow car-lover. Haha. has extreme perverseness towards nicole s.
Pei Ru- quiet but still very nice and caring.
Huiyi- chao zai in art. *smiles* g’day mate. Haha. remember that?
Joanna- very very interested in anime. Absolutely loves drawing anime characters. And her drawings aren’t bad too.
Alayne- err…likes to hug me a lot? pity me. =p
Val- 5566 lover. And first-rate guitar player who has a huge fetish for electric guitars.
Nicole S.- err. We have a very great animosity towards each other. But she’s quite nice lah. That’s my opinion after sitting next to her for a grand total of four weeks.
Stacey- our dearest GS. Lotr lover. She and Claire make a very good attack pairing. *reminisces about the days of me sitting next to her and irritating her with gudanbeibanqiu as well as the days of me chloe wl and her forming at team and playing together*
Kellie- Manchester United fan!!! And loves energy a lot too. Very responsible as Chinese rep and very very helpful- the drama nite script was done in one day by her and stace.
Grace T.- uhh. This brings back bad memories of sewing. but she’s basically nice and has a very interesting smile.
Sandra- Always cheerful and a great dog-lover. Brightens up the class.
Eileen- has a great obsession with rabbits. Wonderful person to mix around with.
Weiling- my sporty lab partner who has a dao face! =D also a tracker. has great leadership qualities and makes me laugh to no end. *the leadership training camp. Lol. “I’m exercising my head cannot meh?”*
Nicole T.- haha. last of fellow Stringers. Loves cats and sheep. And zai too at studies.
Denise Y.- uhh. A guider. And has a very cute face lor. Especially when I took away her cushion at net carn.
Calyn- supports Bush. Is very vocal and she’s just very frank and honest.
Yi Kai- very funny! gives the class a huge boost with her amusing and cheerful presence.
Xin Tian- uhh. Looks serious. But as I said earlier, looks can be deceiving.
Grace Z.- class chair. Err. Very amusing lah.
Ohohoh and drama night! One thirteen won, and deservingly so. “the greatest thing of all is to love and be loved in return” was their proverb/idiom. Hannah and Olivia acted fabulously. Script was great too. On the slightly sadder side, 205 won choral-speaking. Urgh. Their content was so…unoriginal. 212 should have won! I totally enjoyed their performance. It was funny, amusing, had a good script and good actors.
Well drama night left me with almost no time left to pack for the camp. I did everything on Sunday night. A bit last minute but who cares. Camp was okay. Very unique in a way. Group 14 is a nice group. And I miss doing the high ropes. Scary yeah, but at the same time, exhilarating and gives one this rush of adrenalin. will blog more about camp soon.

All good things must come to an end.
And it always does unfortunately.
For the good or the better, I don’t really know.