tending towards existence;
if I were a place, I'd be somewhere distant

and you'll be happy

I love YOu!

Today, sitting alone in the cold empty stillness of the music studio, I was overwhelmed by a sudden pang of yearning - knowing that such an integral part of my life would be irrevocably changed. syo has given me some of my happiest moments and memories of 2008 and the privilege of knowing like-minded friends. even more importantly, the sense of being and belonging. that a hundred hearts could beat together with the same pulse, understand and shape the same nuances. that there would always be someplace safe and warm where every single member of the community is treasured and where we return to every thurs night and sat afternoon week after week as a haven; for the music and the people. the festivity of farewell, the triviality of farewell. something is only important if we make it out to be important - so I suppose it is very very true that we must and will move on someday anyway and why not today? it must be clarified though that this was not a personal decision, which made it doubly hard to walk away today. there is ... a tremendous, crippling sense of loss. I will eventually return (I hope), but people change and innate understandings, innate knowledge changes. time is always passing, nothing waiting.
what I really wanted to say was - thank YOu, and the people too (:

a new beginning;

I can dream

observations;

there are some conversations we can only have with certain people

yes people I have a blog! surprise
I was thinking about this recently - we want to make change, carve meanings out of moments
many different avenues, it is all about choice
the world can be quite optimistic after all (:

form is functional;

you

I
separate, disjointed

anonymity is conspicuous

seconds and hours and days and months of waiting
coalesced into one moment

fragments of truth waiting to disperse

white space is oblivion;

there is (some) chemistry left I hope
my punning never fails to amaze... right? (hahaha inside joke)
promos are screwy though but
hope this is my last time saying it
happy birthday(:
maybe transient, like fingerprint smudges on a glass window, but definitely true

gratitude and appreciation to:
joanne & serene - roommates! sharing laughter and seasons in the sun (: probably unwittingly (or not), you two contributed alot in terms of levity, life and lessons too; grazie.
mifiona - roommate in milan! and awesome batchmate, thanks for teaching me how to play speed/snap (lol) and always being there to talk to (:
claire & deborah - dare and claborah? hm key to almost everyth is balance and thanks for providing the empathy & support & balance. conversations in little cracks (of windows) and brief, substantial illuminations. grazie.
wenyi - for tolerating constant complaints and my idea of humour early into the morning lol. and for constantly being either meaningful or amusing (: but more imptly for the orchestra, being both effective and affective; a first-rate chair!
bob - desk partner; good job! should thank him for being tolerant with my numerous screwups and lack of wit.
remus - thanks for being great to talk to and well, incredibly nice (: and congrats on two touching solo performances.
v2 section! esp. jinghui zara & daniel - for supporting the front desk, haha and finally rousing enough emotion and enthusiasm to feel bonded within the section (: first time I've seen v2s so spirited (and spirit-ed), hoho.
grp 4! - for being an amazing group, and thanks to justin too for being an entertaining & responsible agl (since he's taller than me, he can always do head count!)
not least of all, thank you j2s; gm/j2 farewell was today! now my left-hand side and diagonal field of vision feel almost permanently vacant, a void of presence. appreciate & admire their efforts and passion for music-making even during critical periods of stress.

quiz zzz -.- thanks ah. questions I skip are either questions I have no comments for, or questions I don't intend to comment on publicly :P blogging is exhibitionistic, but eh blog readers are also voyeurs what, it must be the gratification of having pried into someone else's life and thoughts, forbidden fruit. or forbidden except for what the individual choses to reveal?
1) three names you go by:
at risk of revealing identity on an anonymous Internet - my real name, teng and sexy (inexplicable reason)
2) three screen names you have had:
killers from the light, dashracer, where all else is ...
3) and 4) assumes I am a physical being; there are people who would disagree and these are the people who try to reconcile religion and science, haha.
5) three parts of your heritage:
err, chinese on both sides I think? not sure about grandparents, but I think from somewhere in guangdong la.
6) three things that scare you:
mortality, inadequacy, incompletion
7) three of your everyday essentials:
carbohydrates, proteins and enzymes :D bao-ka-liao, add in respiration too :D
8) three things you are wearing now:
spectacles, brother's ex-shirt and earphones
technically, earphones are not classified as an article of clothing but question did not define 'things', therefore anything that can be worn is an answer.
9) three of your favourite bands or musical artists:
josef hassid, gil shaham and audioslave (have more though)
10) three of your favourite songs (right now):
poulenc concerto in D minor for 2 pianos mvt 2, conus concerto, special k
11) and 12)
er. -skips
13) three physical things about preferred sex that appealed to you:
err. eyes, fingers, smile
14) 3 of your favourite hobbies:
reading, writing, listening
tend to write in a very vertical, linear manner which is I think, a quirk. like taking photographs of structures as opposed to people. idee fixe has evolved from unrequited to cycles.
listening-wise, the power of ambient noise and more crucially, of silence should never be underestimated.
15) 3 things you want to do really badly now:
transform into a genius; be with YOu, and you. and sleep, seeing as I have been relatively sleep-deprived for the past few days.
17) 3 places you want to go on vacation:
canada! uk (manchester) :D israel/palestine
18) and 19)
er. -skips
20) and 21) are obfuscating questions la, what does it mean to be male/female anyway? except how we are categorised and the type of roles society assigns to us. they tell us to stay inside the lines; but I think most people fall between them.

to express my profound gratitude and my belief that although the people will change, the essence will not;
"wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving."
-Kahlil Gibran

requisite post - italy

fascinating pun above...right?

for people without a skewed sense of humour;
italy was amazing, especially because of YOu (:
words and phrases and sentences are merely constructs though, fading to nothing when there are memories and experiences to draw from, yet these are ultimately vulnerable and fallible
nevertheless I try -
but not for public eyes (:

hahaha as deborah can probably testify my forced-rhyme poetry sucks la.
a quick summary then;
the camaraderie, the carefree (lack of school) environment, the way mountains unfold themselves and sprawl, gorgeous architecture - btw I realised most of my pictures of Italy contain no people but mostly scenery/buildings hmm. a reflection of? the community & company and the conductor but most importantly,
the music.
kelly tang, blvk and dvorak <3
despite the rushing then the forced control (and thus slowness) of dvorak I find many reasons to fall in love with music anyway.
especially well, you know. something that resonates personally & deeply for more reasons than just being patriotic but zomg the lush sound landscape and layers. keep obsessing over three-note or four-note lines, random corners tucked into music like they were there only for you to find-

"for the heart, for what musicians call the line, there are no words."

just because

a not-so-temporary affliction;
no hesitation, no delay, you come on just like special (variable)

bowing tremulously to unrequited yearning, genuflecting before the sanctity of longing;
an upturned hand, helpless & pleading
ahh NO TEAL la cts in a week come on come on

"I want to haunt you, to lurk in the unknowing mind, to scorch your fingertips with a remembered
warmth - "

MANCHESTER UNITED - DOUBLE CHAMPIONS!
champions of England, champions of Europe;
brilliant season <3 amazing, unforgettable.

we're seventeen, think we can change the world;

life is one major screw up right now ):

results and roses (ixoras!)

live for nothing but the sensation of being not with, free and unconstrained;

which is at odds with personal religious beliefs but uh, guess I'll figure it out. also, no such thing as sorrow/elation, wanting/forgetting but the memories we make and the now. incidentally now is a prelude to the future, which is prelude to? infinity?
始终是夺得, 始终是无奈

inadequate expressions, all.

liberation is an exhilaration all on its own :D

struggled through this whole period but actually coming through it is an amazing feeling.
part philosophy of fountainhead which has been inspiring yet difficult to deal with in conjucntion with my beliefs;

damn jack; got transferred to 3h from 3d. all I can permit myself to say in this public domain (and the range of the function is...? lol) is that I really miss them - the classmates & teachers (: still uncertain.

know inuitively the WHY but not how to carry it out; it's the travesty of our generation that this inertia prevents us from moving-
we should be driving forward already.

last day of jan;

forward and back, endless comparisons between them, of drifting to excess, and then apart. the point being? these new beginnings often demand reckless change, but there are no politics among old friends, just a quiet gratitude.

today was one of the most enjoyable days of the month - entertaining lecture, upswing in mood (locked a cool gaze and I was caught), rehearsal and genealogy/lineage.

知足的快乐

how can personal change be constructive? decadent and demanding, we are cocooned, knowing what we should do is gapped by the knowledge of our limitations and inertia. inertia!! caring therefore, is at a premium, a cynical construct. even as christmas and the spirit of it looms (disclaimer: I never see any reason to be merry about any occasion at all), should take this chance to pay it backward, for the unopportune, unexpected fleeting moments. we are all, I hope, wiser for being one year older and as 2007 draws to a close, we should celebrate these essential qualities and spirits. happy holidays (:

离人;

离人挥霍着眼泪 回避还在眼前的离别
你不敢想明天 我不肯说再见
有人说 一次告别天上就会有颗星 又熄灭

still ambivalent but I cannot deny I have had a proper education (well, better than most people in the world anyway) and I am thankful for that. plus, the memories and lived-in moments.
it's still a blackwhite thing, either one way or the other. something left behind, something else waiting to move on.

有一条长长的路，独行的日子里，我必须凝聚我的思念，我的渴望，我的激情；纵然风雨兼程，路远山遥，我也必须坚定而执著地迈好每一步，我必须如此。

turbulence;

options just ended :D my 'hell' day of 2 essays due, one test and one presentation...OVER! seriously though, went into options not expecting much but savouring the freedom. the best thing is that you're allowed to pursue largely what you want to do and experience for yourself. and decide how interested you want to be, or the depth of knowledge you want to attain. AI (arabisrael conflict) was the most enriching one, despite many videos and class discussion time ie. time to slack, content-wise and understanding-wise it's been the most intellectually and emotionally fulfilling. and no longer do I bias my views on the side of Israel but rather think about international diplomacy on the whole. pharm chem...uhh heavy content which actually requires thought and lightspeed of powerpoint clicking = futility. for the first time in the lab I broke something. must be grace zhang's bug or something! and she continually leaves her water bottle/jacket everywhere. and she sleeps alot, especially during pharm chem too :D a most interesting & endearing partner though, I could think of many other people whom I wouldn't want to have shared 2 options with.

a quote from mr murakami's wild sheep chase:
"You concentrate on waiting for someone and after a certain time it hardly matters what happens anymore. It could be five years or ten years or one month. It's all the same."

it is all about balance

...no, maybe not.
my attitude is sanguine because
a. disillusionment
b. knowledge of my limitations, and yours
c. for convention to be challenged we must first dare. suppression breeds quiet rebellion
d. paradox, the more you yearn the less you are.
e. I am more whole not knowing;

the most eloquent way to sum it all up, the most direct way to say what must be;

MUGMUGMUGMUGMUGMUGMUG.

well;
"radio: ...garrison already decimated by the Vietcong, who lost 115 of their men...
woman: It's awful, isn't it, it's so anonymous.
man: What is?
woman: they say 115 guerillas, yet it doesn't mean anything, because we don't know anything about these men, who they are, whether they love a woman, or have children, if they prefer the cinema to the theatre. We know nothing. They just say...115 dead."

-Jean-Luc Godard, Pierrot Le Fou

thanks strings, for giving me so much more than I used to think it could and would - four years of routine, four years filled with music and the company of like-minded & equally insane people :D I won't say that it was always happiness but to a large extent, a numbing grind livened up by the people and the creation of music by an ensemble. and of course the reliably and unexpectedly funny antics of ms ku all the time (skeleton hoodie :D), mrs chua's dependability, ms kh's perfectionism and passion, all of which drives us to do better, I think. didn't think it would be this fast, seems like only yesterday I was being terrorised by Lijia and Yihui :D my turn to terrorise the violin1s has gone by already..? seems like only yesterday I was taking my first bow with strings and today my last. haha world is turning upside down, spinning so fast. in the end it will be like a succession of photos, or maybe a video, but it has become so integral I cannot imagine it missing. it has been a crazy thing that I've agreed to do for the last two years, and have become accustomed to but it is more than crazy, it was interesting to be able to contribute as much as I could, so I can leave doing my best, with no regrets at all (:

love you all.

hahaha.