...if you look hard enough, you will see;

a pending-for-ages post, finally up (:

缺陷其实是美丽的, 是自然的美. someone asked me, what happened to the idea of perfection? routinely strived for, I can see why it tantalises and fascinates. but imo, perfection is a myth. let me add, in relation to my first statement, that beauty is independent of perfection (: although secretly we might all want to be the next perlman, or the next nobel laureate in xx subject, if you think about it, perfection is not as important as imperfection (wait, this is not to say that they are humanly almost perfect), in fact imperfection in itself is an art, a perfection. confused yet? :D the misplaced notes, the inkblot on a piece of paper, a carelessly dotted i, a profoundly simple declaration of truth? love? freedom? nothing stands between us and ourselves more than what we want. seems to be rather cynical, but I would exchange a stonecold image for the real-ness, the authenticity, the grittiness of reality. even if results are agonisingly grinded out, circumstances turn out to be scratchy, rough, unrefined, there is an inimitable quality of rawness which I really appreciate sometimes. june hols are ending already, as my dear bro likes to remind me, and along with it a certain conjecture is overturned, for me at least. am moving on and on and on, but hopefully I won't get left behind by the term3/last sem of sch express. will it change your life if I change my mind, will it change your mind when I change my life?

we want more than we can find.

zz life as usual, represents my starting words. full of meaning and intent, nothing else. like golf, which is dead boring. and has no endgame except a HOLE?! actually I have no idea why I am blogging here in the first place because a. I have alternative places to blog, b. I am going to exceed my limit for this month. I've been rereading my archives and err. sometimes they were so ambiguous and ambivalent that even I didn't know what I was talking about, or even what I could conceivably be thinking about. but I'm forcibly reminded that this blog has accompanied me through much of my secondary school years. so yeah. this entry will be deleted soon (:this is just a quick comment on something I felt strongly about:it's incredibly not justified, the sch admin's (henceforth referred to as sa, if you don't know my sch then all the better for you and me) decisions to base funding/subsidies for performing arts cca on syf. then again, syf itself is subjective, though I must say that for string ensemble at least, most deserve what they get (: though I could conceive of a thousand reasons for the sa's actions, none of them seem very plausible when you think of what standards the sch hold us to. if they expect revolutionary, record-breaking achievements that has to come with an indefatigable and unconditional support. furthermore, the sch's emphasis, especially in recent years, has been heavily tilted towards academics, leadership and sports. not that there is anything wrong with that, but in general the UGs, clubs and societies and performing arts/culture groups are unappreciated. they try to cultivate and enforce concert etiquette but that too comes from understanding and I am quite willing to bet that while they might practise what they preach, they don't understand the rationale for what they preach. authority figures do turn up for important events like concerts, or the Guides' AA, but it is merely representation. often these abovementioned ccas/groups are barely acknowledged for their efforts in maintaining/improving the school culture. for performing arts especially, it seems to be a once-in-two-years effort for syf and the rest of the time, the sa cannot possibly care what else happens. for UGs, they are employed to do goh duty and/or tie knots (lol! guides) and surely they deserve a note of commendation too? if sch spirit involves the celebration of academic and sporting achievements while leaving other equally important but more intangible achievements then it is no wonder that sch spirit fails to rouse the emotions of majority of the student population.this is a disclaimer; I am not out to criticise the sa without info/evidence, all the opinions expressed here are strictly by the author, after much discussion on the subject with others, and yeah I do have better things to do with my time just that I thought it would be better for me to stop this point niggling at me and I'm quite sure many others will agree (:

so close, yet so far. really tired; congratulations to all who got gwh. for us, I'd say our lane was impressive (: and overall the performance was more musical than before, so regardless of criticisms etc, I would like to think we've achieved what we wanted to.

one week to syf, and the pressure is really cranking up. to all stringers - take care of yourselves! to the rest of the performing arts groups - either well done for syf (especially band ((: ) or keep going!

so many things I could say, and so many I choose not to say. will it all matter in the end? I hope not :D

for once, maybe I can say this unabashedly, I LIKE STRINGS, despite its usual argh-ness. not because of an obligation, but because of its essence (:

nth way;

just realised I forgot about my once-a-month update for feb. oh well, maybe i'll save the post for april, which is syf month. march does not promise or offer much; I wish something so essential would not be glorified and cheapened. I feel limp, like a soggy leaf, but life goes on the way it does and nothing can stop its relentless march.

i want to remember what it feels like without thinking hard.

the new blogger runs like an old car -.- anyway, back for my er, once-a-monthly post. if I keep it up, about twelve new posts should have been added to this blog by the end of the year! so far january has been okay; not totally smooth-sailing, I should not be coasting this year away. relatively few people know about this blog's existence, and even fewer visit this blog regularly (: I'd like to keep it that way, to surprise with the occasional post, like now. I like the fact that change is a constant.

lol this month has been the usual mishmash of starting school issues and somehow we are really sec4 this year already. been feeling rather purpose-less lately, maybe because of absence and balance haha :D even I don't and won't want to know. to be truly passionate about something, that takes guts. who can define passion anyway?

pe today was terrible. while crossing from the canteen to the pavement outside I landed awkwardly. I semi-sprained my ankle and scraped both knees quite badly; to heal, it's a matter of time. everything is a matter of time (: oh yeah, another thing I must say, I do come back & view this blog quite often, so if you are reading this leave a tag. I'd rather communicate and respond through the tagboard, somehow. blogging seems too impersonal.

ok this is my once-a-monthly update; it's not that I don't blog, but I have covert means of blogging. the past month has been eventful, to say the least. just a quick thought, as I am wont to do in public spaces: if perfection cannot be gained, what is the point of pursuing perfection? even if the line between illusion and reality blurs dangerously until you cannot tell one side from the other, how would you know what's right or not?

whenever there's a man utd match, I think you can find me online :D

haha :D whoops sry for blogging very, very sporadically but I attribute this partly, partly to watching goong on youtube :DD eoys are over, I maybe flunked about half of them, but post eoy is worth all that torture. shin's bear is really cute!

how does it feel like not to be in transition?

highly amusing to see my parents comment on jon's and hady's performances.

Dad: "You know I don't usually give praise, but I do give credit where it is due. This Malay boy can sing better than the Chinese boy lah! He has a very good voice."
Mum: "I don't know what Jonathan is singing, you can only hear the words "_ around" and "should I stay". At least with Hady you can hear the whole sentence. With Jonathan you cannot even hear anything ah!"

so conclusion: VOTE FOR HADY!

okay, my blog has been redefined and streamlined quite a bit, tagboard still looks a bit funny though. tag if you will! if you see this. don't know if I'll go back to blogging here on a regular basis but to my eager blogwatchers (hahaha like I have any after this long hiatus) I will try to post more. yes in case you were wondering it is partly revived because of my boredom and the gruelling pt ahead of me.

marvel at the human race in its complexity, awesome savagery. finely balanced by the delicate artistic nuances of our making, but really, do most of us abandon our moral standards in difficult situations? keep trying, but life spins you around just a fraction more, leaves you winded - just wish we could all keep a tight rein on what we view as civilisation, maybe (just maybe) degeneration. stare down into that dark place, feel the pulsing miasma, cruel affliction of disease. you know, and I know, this is inherent, in-born, it is ours.

pooh bear and his friends are eighty,; old, but lovable, enough for someone who does not hunger for presence.

amused by the article in life! expounding on friendship, but seeing your name again in full, especially when I know it is personal, shoves me off the edge into insecurity. not quite sure if we're still friends, not quite sure of what I am in relation to you, not quite sure of even whether this friendship matters. I suppose I should have seen it coming! so inevitable, so regrettable. what could I have done anyway, 千里送鹅毛?

maybe I was right, there is no love, and mr fine line can cease to exist.

england vs paraguay tonight! 9pm. :D the world cup has got off to an entertaining start with germany's 4-2 win over costa rica, but really I don't think the hosts will be fancied to go all the way with their defence leaking like the Titanic.

time for england, with its plethora of midfield stars or perhaps spain and holland, to show their true colours (: indeed, festival of football! excited now that 2006 wc has started, and south american teams with all their flair may never get suited to the continental game, especially with the tourney in europe. so I'd dare say that a european team will win, not quite sure just WHICH team.

changed my template specially for world cup finals, to match with grr kellie tan's obvious support for holland. ((: GO ENGLAND, I know you can do it despite rooney.

my life (so far this year) has been vacillating between two extremes, I wish I could make myself care, but it's easier to be bent and broken sometimes.

see, even in the june holidays, I brood about school, which is precisely why Singapore's education system is doing nothing productive but moulding us into students learning to be submissive and not living our lives.

I THINK HCSE ROCKS, really.

brother, if you are reading this, be comforted that even if you couldn't attend, they did well, SUPERB! such beauty in tone. and the novel concept of the concert contributed to the music I guess. the playing was so much more real and there, PERSONAL; I went for it not really expecting much and grousing about studying but really it was a tonic for my long-suffering soul.

...haha.

after weeks of hoping that I wouldn't care, ironically this fans the flames of jealousy, I don't know really.

for once, I am feeling a short-lived kind of happy which is much better in comparison to the usual numbness or resignation I experience trudging around school day after day.

(((((:
:D

guess why! x) even though yeah at first I was in my fallingawayfromnothing mode, but somehow things transpired to reach that point and really, I shouldn't be revealing too much in public (er why do I keep a blog in the first place if I know it's public and rather exhibitionistic; I don't know). but if you feel an urge to know! YOU COULD ALWAYS ASK ME ((: though I'd perhaps never tell you.

maybe I'm glad that it did, maybe I'm sad, but all matters now is how I react.


wait, whoa shit, my hp just screwed up. just so you know, I'll be uncontactable until it gets repaired AND I HOPE IT DOES, BECAUSE THERE ARE IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS INSIDE THERE. ): what a thing to ruin my hyperness.

shit I'm really tired, and struggling. my blogging has become um more and more sporadic, and probably set to continue in this vein.

blogging is social exhibitionism, lol. so maybe I'm an exhibitionist, maybe you'd think I like airing my secrets in public, but no all my secrets are locked up somewhere, and the key to that lock doesn't exist. so what are you seeing here then? the face I show to the world, the face that people recognise and think they know.

but you know, sometimes maybe all I need is to spiral down a black hole and let my world disintegrate, if I can't even be sure of myself, then what possibly can I do?